There's been a recent letter from a birth mother to a stepmother making the rounds on the internet that I really feel the need to discuss. More than likely you have seen it. It's a beautiful letter and the first time I read it, it literally brought tears to my eyes. A horrible sense of mixed emotions came with those tears as well.
Woman writes heartwarming letter to her daughter's stepmom
This letter is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard of. If only more birth mother's and their daughter's stepmothers could have this sort of relationship. It seems to me that it's extremely rare for a birth mother and stepmother to be able to be civil let alone this close and loving to each other. Being on the opposite end of the spectrum, feeling nothing but burning hatred from B's birth mother, I'm both extremely frustrated that hell would freeze over before I could have anywhere near this kind of relationship with this woman but I'm also so happy to hear that other mother's can get it so right.
I can understand how difficult it must be to accept another woman into the life of your own daughter. To hear of how great she is from your daughter and to see how much your daughter loves her. I honestly can't imagine how that must feel, so I don't blame B's mother for not liking me. In all honesty it was something I expected to happen. I never for a second expected for her to be nice to me or to be happy that I was involved in her daughter's life, but I did expect for her to at least attempt at being civil towards me. Never happened.
In fact the first time I met B's mother there were no awkward introductions, no uncomfortable hellos like I had expected. I wasn't even acknowledged. She just walked up to my fiancé's truck, opened the back door and pulled their daughter out of the truck. Now maybe it's just me but I was raised that you wait for people to get out of a vehicle and you don't open someone else's car door. I was in shock. Even then I tried to let it slide. I knew that her and my fiancé had a rather volatile relationship but this still bothered the crap out of me!
It's all been downhill since then and there are too many stories to share in one post. My main point for right now is that I am simply amazed by these two women from this letter. They are epitome of grace and compassion. Bravo to the two of you, and may you set an example for all birth and stepmothers alike to strive for!
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Staying Positive
Sometimes it's easy to get so focused on the negatives that it's easy to overlook some really amazing positives in life. Being a Negative Nancy myself I know how hard it is to find the light in the dark, but sometimes there's so much darkness that it doesn't feel like there's any light. With so much going on recently with stressful jobs, a recent move, trying to get ready for the holidays and the ongoing toxicity that my stepdaughter's birth mother creates in our lives, there has been a lot of negatives that have created a sense of drowning at times. But here lately I've realized that there are two major things that I need to be extremely thankful for.
With starting this blog I've been reading the blogs of other stepmothers and I have found comfort in some of their insights and experiences, both the bad and the good. I feel awful saying that I find comfort in the bad experiences of others, but it made me realize I've been overlooking these two huge positives in my life. The fact that my fiancé has custody and that his daughter and I have such a close relationship, that she is so loving and has accepted me the way she has. I am so horribly lucky for these two things and I feel like a jerk for not realizing it before.
So many other stepmom's don't have the luxury I have, with having B home with us as much as we do. Yes it sucks when she's away, especially since she just doesn't want to go with her mother anymore. It hurts that I can't change her circumstances, but how easily I forget that I have as much time with her as I do. If the tables were turned and I only saw her every other weekend, with an additional two hour visit on Thursdays during the school year, I imagine things would be very different for us. With less time together I feel like she would have a harder time accepting me into her life, and maybe we wouldn't have such a great relationship. But instead I am nearly a full time mother to her and I get to see her nearly every day.
This has also made it easier for me to learn and grow with her, to figure out how to be the best mother I can be to her. Even though I helped to raise my nieces when they were young and helped my mom with daycare kids when I was growing up and she was still doing daycare out of the house, I've yet to have any children of my own so I'll admit I don't have a lot of experience and I don't always know what I'm doing. It was difficult at first when her father and I first started living together and I took on a more active role in her life. There were days where I would get so frustrated and depressed I would text him and tell him I didn't have what it took to be a mother or that I was a horrible mother. His faith in me was unwavering and he became my personal cheerleader, reassuring me at every step that I was doing fine and to not get so frustrated with myself. Like anything it just took some time and things have gotten a lot easier since then.
I'm also incredibly lucky that B is who she is. She is an incredibly empathetic young girl and is extremely loving. She never seemed to even think twice about how she felt about me becoming involved with her father and accepted me into their lives with open arms. Aside from giving me a wide berth on mornings where I'm super cranky and running late for work, she is never short of thrilled to have me around. I take this for granted and I'm kicking myself now for not realizing how easily it would be for her to reject me. With how big of a heart this little girl has it just never crossed my mind. We just clicked and it's like the three of us just fell together as a family right away. It's been incredible and I am so thankful for the love that I have found in my fiancé and B.
With starting this blog I've been reading the blogs of other stepmothers and I have found comfort in some of their insights and experiences, both the bad and the good. I feel awful saying that I find comfort in the bad experiences of others, but it made me realize I've been overlooking these two huge positives in my life. The fact that my fiancé has custody and that his daughter and I have such a close relationship, that she is so loving and has accepted me the way she has. I am so horribly lucky for these two things and I feel like a jerk for not realizing it before.
So many other stepmom's don't have the luxury I have, with having B home with us as much as we do. Yes it sucks when she's away, especially since she just doesn't want to go with her mother anymore. It hurts that I can't change her circumstances, but how easily I forget that I have as much time with her as I do. If the tables were turned and I only saw her every other weekend, with an additional two hour visit on Thursdays during the school year, I imagine things would be very different for us. With less time together I feel like she would have a harder time accepting me into her life, and maybe we wouldn't have such a great relationship. But instead I am nearly a full time mother to her and I get to see her nearly every day.
This has also made it easier for me to learn and grow with her, to figure out how to be the best mother I can be to her. Even though I helped to raise my nieces when they were young and helped my mom with daycare kids when I was growing up and she was still doing daycare out of the house, I've yet to have any children of my own so I'll admit I don't have a lot of experience and I don't always know what I'm doing. It was difficult at first when her father and I first started living together and I took on a more active role in her life. There were days where I would get so frustrated and depressed I would text him and tell him I didn't have what it took to be a mother or that I was a horrible mother. His faith in me was unwavering and he became my personal cheerleader, reassuring me at every step that I was doing fine and to not get so frustrated with myself. Like anything it just took some time and things have gotten a lot easier since then.
I'm also incredibly lucky that B is who she is. She is an incredibly empathetic young girl and is extremely loving. She never seemed to even think twice about how she felt about me becoming involved with her father and accepted me into their lives with open arms. Aside from giving me a wide berth on mornings where I'm super cranky and running late for work, she is never short of thrilled to have me around. I take this for granted and I'm kicking myself now for not realizing how easily it would be for her to reject me. With how big of a heart this little girl has it just never crossed my mind. We just clicked and it's like the three of us just fell together as a family right away. It's been incredible and I am so thankful for the love that I have found in my fiancé and B.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Choices
We all have choices, right? Sadly that's not always the truth. There are instances in life where, unfortunately, we don't get to make decisions. This has come as a hard truth to learn in becoming a stepmother, as I had previously believed that we always have a choice, no matter what. I have learned that there are sometimes where I just don't get a choice, or worse, that my stepdaughter B doesn't get a choice. Being a step-parent, or step-child, there are decisions being made that affect your life, or your families lives, but you're not always the one making those decisions. Who you would consider an outsider gets to make decisions that affect you and your family. Although to be fair I suppose I would actually be the one considered the outsider, or at least I am to her. Her being B's birth mother. And while most would probably say that I must bend to her as she is the mother of my stepchild first and foremost, I would strongly argue against anyone taking that stance in this instance.
It seems to me that it's not very often that a mother is an unwelcome fixture in their child's lives, and I would wonder if it's so often the case that the mother is deserving of the child's desire to not have to spend time with their mother, as I feel is the case in our situation. I don't feel like our circumstances are very normal or common however. My fiancé has custody of his daughter, a feat that is not easily accomplished anywhere much less in the state of Texas, especially with the particular judge that oversaw the custody hearing. This particular judge hardly ever sides against the mother. It's nearly unheard of for a birth mother to not get full custody of a child when going through her court. That in itself should speak volumes about my stepdaughter's birth mother and her character.
Honestly I'm not one to go around calling people horrible, but for this woman, I will make an exception. I have never met a more selfish, controlling or manipulative person in my life. Except maybe for my ex-husband. They'd either get along swimmingly or end up killing each other once they realized there was no winning against the other person. Personally I'd prefer the latter, however seeing as he is in prison and she's already remarried I suppose it's not even plausible. However I ask that you don't mistake my poor opinion of her as competitiveness or some sort of bitterness that I'll forever be living in her shadow. In fact that is so far from the truth it's laughable! I feel no need to compete against this woman and I have never felt like I am living in her shadow. Nor will I ever feel, or allow her to make me feel like I am in any way, shape or form, any less of a mother to my stepdaughter than she is herself. Because in all honesty, as sad as it is to say, I am more involved in her daughters life than she ever has been, and not just because of the fact that she lost custody.
Now some may find my feelings and statements on this matter as being brazen, arrogant or maybe just plain distasteful or unfounded, but when it comes right down to it, I don't care if anyone thinks that way. None of you reading this have had to deal with this woman or the way she uses her daughter against us to try to get her way. She has disrespected me from the moment I became involved with my fiancé and his daughter yet demands respect from me which I do not feel she deserves. To me respect has always been something you earn, not something that is an automatic right. I have tried to at least respect her relationship with her daughter at the very least, as she is her birth mother, but this is something that is hard in it's own right considering how often I hear of how ridiculous she is from B. I would like to believe that not many other people have had to stay up comforting their stepchild while they cry because they feel like their mother doesn't love them or that their mother prefers their step-sibling. Or listen to stories of their stepchild getting in trouble for something their step-sibling did. Or getting spanked for telling their mother how they felt. And yet I am powerless to change her circumstances, much as she is powerless to make choices.
As time goes on and circumstances with her mother seem to grow worse, I have become more frustrated with the fact that B has no choice when it comes to her mother. When it comes time for a visit with her mother, whether it's just for the weekend or one of her longer summer visits, she always tells us she doesn't want to go. Even if it's just a two hour Thursday visit, she says it's too much time and sometimes she will even ask when she won't have to go anymore. It pains me to tell her we don't have a choice over any of it, that there are laws involved that we have to follow and really she won't get to make a choice over it until she's 18. She hates this last part the most since 10 years is a long time for anyone, especially to a child.
Not having the ability to make choices about her living situation it's clear to me that having choices over other areas is important to B, so her father and I make every effort to let her make decisions on her own whenever possible. We have always allowed her to pick out her own outfits for school. When I first came into the picture she did need some help from time to time but she's gotten to be a bit of a fashionista since then and really only needs to be told what the weather will be like. Or sometimes she needs to be reminded that her favorite outfit has gotten to be too small and she can't wear it (but I've forgotten to remove it from her closet). But for whatever reason she doesn't get to choose her outfits while she's at her mother's. Her step-sister does, and they're only 2 months apart in age yet the reason for her step-sister being allowed to pick out her own clothes is that she is older. By 2 months? How does that even make sense? Instead B is given 3 options to choose from. I can see doing that if she had a hard time making a decision on her own, but that's never been a problem for her so I'm not seeing any logic in this. She also doesn't get to make any choices on how her hair is done with her mother. It seems to be it's always big, gaudy bow in a tight half pony tail (which looks like crap with how short her mother keeps cutting her hair) whether she likes it or not. I've even had to stand by helpless as she was forced to wear a bow for her soccer pictures even after she told her mom she didn't want to. I had put her hair up the way she wanted it for her pictures and when we got to the field she was violently pulled away from me, hurting her arm, and told she had to wear it anyway. When I tried to stick up for her I was yelled at that I'm not her mother. Once her hair was done, again, B came up to me and told me in the saddest voice I've ever heard from her, "but momma I didn't want to wear the bow." I just wanted to cry. Or scream. Or maybe get up and punch that evil woman in the face, but seeing as we were in a public place I decided that wasn't a good idea. So all I could tell her was that I was sorry her mother wouldn't listen to her.
It breaks my heart to see such a wonderful child as my stepdaughter be so helpless in the decisions being made about her life and it frustrates me to be so helpless to protect her. The people who are able to make decisions for themselves and their family without another party interfering or objecting to those decisions are truly lucky, and I really hope they don't take that power for granted.
It seems to me that it's not very often that a mother is an unwelcome fixture in their child's lives, and I would wonder if it's so often the case that the mother is deserving of the child's desire to not have to spend time with their mother, as I feel is the case in our situation. I don't feel like our circumstances are very normal or common however. My fiancé has custody of his daughter, a feat that is not easily accomplished anywhere much less in the state of Texas, especially with the particular judge that oversaw the custody hearing. This particular judge hardly ever sides against the mother. It's nearly unheard of for a birth mother to not get full custody of a child when going through her court. That in itself should speak volumes about my stepdaughter's birth mother and her character.
Honestly I'm not one to go around calling people horrible, but for this woman, I will make an exception. I have never met a more selfish, controlling or manipulative person in my life. Except maybe for my ex-husband. They'd either get along swimmingly or end up killing each other once they realized there was no winning against the other person. Personally I'd prefer the latter, however seeing as he is in prison and she's already remarried I suppose it's not even plausible. However I ask that you don't mistake my poor opinion of her as competitiveness or some sort of bitterness that I'll forever be living in her shadow. In fact that is so far from the truth it's laughable! I feel no need to compete against this woman and I have never felt like I am living in her shadow. Nor will I ever feel, or allow her to make me feel like I am in any way, shape or form, any less of a mother to my stepdaughter than she is herself. Because in all honesty, as sad as it is to say, I am more involved in her daughters life than she ever has been, and not just because of the fact that she lost custody.
Now some may find my feelings and statements on this matter as being brazen, arrogant or maybe just plain distasteful or unfounded, but when it comes right down to it, I don't care if anyone thinks that way. None of you reading this have had to deal with this woman or the way she uses her daughter against us to try to get her way. She has disrespected me from the moment I became involved with my fiancé and his daughter yet demands respect from me which I do not feel she deserves. To me respect has always been something you earn, not something that is an automatic right. I have tried to at least respect her relationship with her daughter at the very least, as she is her birth mother, but this is something that is hard in it's own right considering how often I hear of how ridiculous she is from B. I would like to believe that not many other people have had to stay up comforting their stepchild while they cry because they feel like their mother doesn't love them or that their mother prefers their step-sibling. Or listen to stories of their stepchild getting in trouble for something their step-sibling did. Or getting spanked for telling their mother how they felt. And yet I am powerless to change her circumstances, much as she is powerless to make choices.
As time goes on and circumstances with her mother seem to grow worse, I have become more frustrated with the fact that B has no choice when it comes to her mother. When it comes time for a visit with her mother, whether it's just for the weekend or one of her longer summer visits, she always tells us she doesn't want to go. Even if it's just a two hour Thursday visit, she says it's too much time and sometimes she will even ask when she won't have to go anymore. It pains me to tell her we don't have a choice over any of it, that there are laws involved that we have to follow and really she won't get to make a choice over it until she's 18. She hates this last part the most since 10 years is a long time for anyone, especially to a child.
Not having the ability to make choices about her living situation it's clear to me that having choices over other areas is important to B, so her father and I make every effort to let her make decisions on her own whenever possible. We have always allowed her to pick out her own outfits for school. When I first came into the picture she did need some help from time to time but she's gotten to be a bit of a fashionista since then and really only needs to be told what the weather will be like. Or sometimes she needs to be reminded that her favorite outfit has gotten to be too small and she can't wear it (but I've forgotten to remove it from her closet). But for whatever reason she doesn't get to choose her outfits while she's at her mother's. Her step-sister does, and they're only 2 months apart in age yet the reason for her step-sister being allowed to pick out her own clothes is that she is older. By 2 months? How does that even make sense? Instead B is given 3 options to choose from. I can see doing that if she had a hard time making a decision on her own, but that's never been a problem for her so I'm not seeing any logic in this. She also doesn't get to make any choices on how her hair is done with her mother. It seems to be it's always big, gaudy bow in a tight half pony tail (which looks like crap with how short her mother keeps cutting her hair) whether she likes it or not. I've even had to stand by helpless as she was forced to wear a bow for her soccer pictures even after she told her mom she didn't want to. I had put her hair up the way she wanted it for her pictures and when we got to the field she was violently pulled away from me, hurting her arm, and told she had to wear it anyway. When I tried to stick up for her I was yelled at that I'm not her mother. Once her hair was done, again, B came up to me and told me in the saddest voice I've ever heard from her, "but momma I didn't want to wear the bow." I just wanted to cry. Or scream. Or maybe get up and punch that evil woman in the face, but seeing as we were in a public place I decided that wasn't a good idea. So all I could tell her was that I was sorry her mother wouldn't listen to her.
It breaks my heart to see such a wonderful child as my stepdaughter be so helpless in the decisions being made about her life and it frustrates me to be so helpless to protect her. The people who are able to make decisions for themselves and their family without another party interfering or objecting to those decisions are truly lucky, and I really hope they don't take that power for granted.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Maleficent
I have always loved the character of Maleficent, even though I've never much cared for the story of Sleeping Beauty. I think the fact that she turned into a dragon made her seem really cool, or maybe her super cool looking twisty headpiece. For whatever reason, I have always considered Maleficent to be my most favorite Disney character. Yeah, a villain. Go figure!
So you can imagine how excited I was when I found out they were making a new movie about Maleficent! Then they casted Angelina Jolie. I'm not a big fan of her. In fact she pretty much annoys the crap out of me, so my enthusiasm faded a bit. Then the full trailer came out, showing Maleficent as the protagonist! I was pumped. Maleficent, as the hero. A strong, albeit vengeful, woman with some kickass wings! Turned out my stepdaughter was equally excited about seeing the movie and so soon after it was released we went to the movies to see our favorite villain in the role of the hero on the big screen.
The relationship between Maleficent and her former love's daughter with his new wife really touched me. To me it was very reminiscent of a stepmother/daughter relationship. Maleficent stepped up and took care of someone else's daughter. Maybe at first she didn't actually care for the little girl but she eventually found she had grown fond of her. Maleficent loved and cared for her as if she was her own daughter. I loved watching the relationship grow and it was special to me to be able to see the movie with my stepdaughter; but I really honestly felt like it must have just been in my head that their relationship reflected a stepmother/daughter type of bond. That is, until I found this article saying the same exact things I felt! Because of how amazing it is to find that I'm not the only one who saw it this way, and how much I love the character and the new adaptation, I'm sharing the article here.
5 Reasons Maleficent Changes Everything You Thought About Stepmothers
So you can imagine how excited I was when I found out they were making a new movie about Maleficent! Then they casted Angelina Jolie. I'm not a big fan of her. In fact she pretty much annoys the crap out of me, so my enthusiasm faded a bit. Then the full trailer came out, showing Maleficent as the protagonist! I was pumped. Maleficent, as the hero. A strong, albeit vengeful, woman with some kickass wings! Turned out my stepdaughter was equally excited about seeing the movie and so soon after it was released we went to the movies to see our favorite villain in the role of the hero on the big screen.
The relationship between Maleficent and her former love's daughter with his new wife really touched me. To me it was very reminiscent of a stepmother/daughter relationship. Maleficent stepped up and took care of someone else's daughter. Maybe at first she didn't actually care for the little girl but she eventually found she had grown fond of her. Maleficent loved and cared for her as if she was her own daughter. I loved watching the relationship grow and it was special to me to be able to see the movie with my stepdaughter; but I really honestly felt like it must have just been in my head that their relationship reflected a stepmother/daughter type of bond. That is, until I found this article saying the same exact things I felt! Because of how amazing it is to find that I'm not the only one who saw it this way, and how much I love the character and the new adaptation, I'm sharing the article here.
5 Reasons Maleficent Changes Everything You Thought About Stepmothers
Thursday, November 6, 2014
The Evil Stepmother
It's a common theme in fairytales. Cinderalla, Snow White, Hansel and Gretel; stepmothers are nearly always portrayed as being inherently evil. Whether they're actively trying to harm their step child(ren) or just seem to feel that life would be easier without them, stepmothers seem to always get a bad rap. And while I suppose there are probably real evil stepmothers out there, the reality of it is that most stepmothers are actually wonderful mothers.
I would have never imagined myself as a stepmother. Having married at 23 to a childhood friend, I always expected to only ever be a mother to my own birth child(ren). Then after nearly 5 years of marriage, living with emotional abuse and lies, I found myself divorced and shortly thereafter involved with a man who had a daughter from a previous marriage. It was the most natural and wonderful feeling in the world to have his daughter accept me as I was, someone she hardly knew, and for her to love me as family even though I was just daddy's girlfriend. It wasn't long until she began referring to me as momma, even though her birth mother was, and still is, a big part of her life. At first I didn't even know how to react to it and felt horribly guilty. I never wanted or intended to replace, or even substitute, her mother and have always tried to respect their relationship. And yet I can't explain how amazing it feels to be accepted unconditionally by a young girl that by all means has no reason to accept me as a mother figure. Because of this trust she had in me so early on, I have always done everything I can to be the best mother to her, even though I did not give birth to her.
Anymore it seems that people don't always understand or respect the fact that by dating the parent of a child you are signing up for a package deal. I suppose that is why even before we began officially dating my fiancé made it painfully clear that if I wanted to be with him I had to be accepting of the fact that he had a daughter. I had to want the package deal, not just him. Even though I might not have realized what it was I was signing up for, I never even hesitated. I was crazy about him, and I had already met her and though it was brief I already realized how amazing she was. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of their lives. What we never discussed, however, was the fact that I would also be having to deal with her birth mother from there on out. I suppose the experience varies from person to person, but somehow I imagine that being the stepmother is never an easy chore for anyone who has to deal with their stepchild's birth mother.
There's a fine line one must walk, being the best parent you can be to your stepchild, effectively raising them as your own, and yet still respecting the role their birth parent still plays in their life. It doesn't matter who has custody or who has visitation rights either. You won't always see eye to eye, and sometimes things can get downright ugly, even in the most cooperative and civil co-parenting relationships. Should it be anything less than civil then things can easily go from happily ever after to a complete nightmare in the blink of an eye. But one thing is for certain, regardless of how the relationship is between you, your significant other and the other parent of their birth child, the focus must be on the wellbeing of any child involved.
At this point I may not be an "official" stepmother as we have not legally married yet, but the commitment we have made to each other is just as strong as any paper document or gold and diamond ring could ever pretend to be. And because of this, we have already become a family. I may not be perfect, and I will admit that I have much to learn, but I am not an evil stepmother.
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