Having been agnostic for about half of my life, up until this past year, faith is a hard topic for me to discuss. I am still figuring things out in the faith department and as such I still have a lot of questions. But with some of the things that I have been through in recent years it's hard to ignore the influence that God has had on the outcome of certain situations and events. And once again I find the timing of things spine tinglingly coincidental. I say this because my new found faith is going to be tested in the coming months, and I will need it to get through our impending battle.
Mommy dearest has filed for custody of B. Something J and I knew would happen eventually, but are still nevertheless blind-sided by. I wish I could say that I'm not worried about the custody battle. I'd like to say that there's no way in hell that this mad woman could win with the drama that she causes and how manipulative she is. But I would be lying to myself if I were to say either of these things. I'm afraid. The past several months have shown just how manipulative and conniving she can be. After having a whole month with mommy dearest for her summer visitation, B came home essentially an entirely different person. She has been brainwashed. Even when she comes home complaining about how horrible her mother is, how childish she behaves and how she spends more time on her phone or watching TV than she does with her, or her step-sister, or her new baby half-sister, she still insists that she wants to live with her mom now. It seems that this is only because her mom has put it in her head that she has lived with dad for so many years that now she needs to live with mom to make it fair. What scares me the most is that mommy dearest can put on a real good show, making people believe she is mother of the year even though she is downright toxic. I worry how well she might be able to manipulate the courts to get her way.
To make matters worse, her nana, who had been on our side with things since mommy dearest had gone off the deep end and became ugly towards her own mother, has now changed sides and is also manipulating B to turn us into the bad guys. Every weekend we have B becomes a battle with her nana because she seems to feel that I should not have B on Saturdays since J is working. Because I have oh so much time to do fun things with B during the week, after school. We pretty much only have time for homework, chores, dinner and then bedtime. And yet I'm constantly being robbed any time to take her to do things together on weekends because I "already get time with her every day".
Needless to say I'm tired of all the drama. I'm emotionally exhausted from having to constantly explain to B what is really going on and what the truth is when we're being lied about. Adults should not behave in this manner. Children should not be used as a pawn like this. It's upsetting and infuriating but I am powerless to do much of anything to protect B from it and that hurts me more than anything. So because of all of this, my choice to return to church and rediscover my faith could not come at a better time. I pray nightly for strength and guidance. I have already been through so much and I am a very strong woman because of it, but I've never felt so helpless before in my life. I know that I will be relying heavily on my faith to get through this. I will need to lean on God and His guidance to be able to weather the storm.
I've started to seek out resources to help me find my way through this nightmare by faith and am excited to say that some of the resources I have found have been very comforting. I recently downloaded the bible app through the Apple Store (the publisher shows as Life.Church) and found a few reading plans and devotionals that have given me quite a few things to think about and some much needed advice through scripture. One I would like to recommend for any other stepmothers or fathers out there is called "Blended Family: Becoming Stepfamily Smart". Some of what has been discussed so far doesn't directly apply to my situation as B has always been very accepting of me being in her life and starting a future together with her father, but even some of the things discussed in the devotional and reading plan segments that don't directly apply to me have been helpful as they give me a different perspective on step parenting and how the children of blended families may be affected by different adult situations. It's easy to forget how difficult it can be for a child of divorce, split between two families, especially when parents can become so easily overwhelmed by the problems between spouses and ex-spouses. It's easy to lose perspective and it's also easy to lose faith.
I'd like to close with the a prayer that has stuck with me and helped me even when I had rejected faith and religion; the serenity prayer. Most people are familiar with it but may not know it in it's entirety.
"God give me grace to accept with serenity
The things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the rings which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that You will make all things right
If I surrender to Your Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with You
Forever in the next."
Monday, October 19, 2015
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Mom Shaming
Something I will never understand about mothers in general, but more so with mothers/stepmothers in a blended family, is why it's necessary to opening bash on the other. Especially when it is done in the presence of, or directly speaking to, their child. Sadly I have more often than not been the subject of this type of mom shaming. While J and I make a point to never say anything negative about B's mother when we are talking with her, her mother unfortunately is not able to extend the same courtesy. It seems that this type of bad mouthing is beginning to happen more and more frequently, which is very upsetting considering that B is starting to get older and is understanding what is going on and that it isn't right to talk negatively about other people. Way too often we are faced with difficult conversations with B because of something her mother has said to her while she has been with her mother for a visit. When it comes right down to it, I find this type of behavior absolutely disgusting and I am at my wits end with having to deal with it.
Just recently B came home and told me that she was told by her mother to tell us to "buy more size 10/12 clothes for B", and that her mother has asked if "daddy even knows what size she wears". At what point did it become appropriate to have these kinds of conversations with a child instead of addressing the issue to the other parent? It is absolutely mind boggling to me how anyone can think this is acceptable. And yet at the same time, B has come home with now seven pairs of size six panties from mom's house, instead of coming home with her own underwear from our house. The hypocrisy involved in this is just appalling to me! I think most women would understand when I say that the number on the tag is not always very accurate, even in children's clothing, and just because a child is "supposed" to be wearing size 10/12 does not mean that size 10/12 is going to fit them. Sorry for going on a side rant here, but size 10/12 shirts are absolutely huge on B and because she is so skinny most size 8 jeans still fit her very well. Some are perhaps a bit on the short side but since it's still warm she tends to wear them as capris instead. Shorts are an entirely different matter and sizes for those seems to be all over the place!
There have been many times that B has come home and complained that she doesn't have clothes that fit at her mother's house. Never have I told her that her mom needs to get her more clothes or that her mother doesn't seem to know what clothes she actually wears. Although I did comment to her on the size 6 panties since I found several more pairs in her laundry when she came home announcing we needed to get more size 10/12, more asking B if the size 6 panties fit and allowing her to draw her own conclusion on the matter. In fact just this last winter B complained that she didn't have any jeans at mom's that fit, they were all too small, and she had to wear doubled up leggings to be able to stay warm enough. I asked her if she had told her mom that they didn't fit, since we're not the ones wearing them and we might not realize they're too tight unless she says something. Apparently B had in fact told her mother but was told she had too many clothes and she couldn't get anything new. Wait, what?! I left the conversation at that but we nicely offered her mother to send a pair of jeans with B on her next visit since we had gotten so many pairs for Christmas, that way B would be sure to have some that fit. We should have known that would get a hateful response! Right away we were accused of all sorts of things and told that B had plenty of clothes that fit and basically "I'm her mother I can take care of my own daughter!" We never implied you couldn't lady, but we all know that sometimes things are tight and you have to make things stretch a bit, we only wanted to help and make sure that B was comfortable. Funny enough, after B's next visit she had a whole bunch of new jeans!
Side rant being said and done, I just don't understand why these kinds of conversations ever have to take place. What's worse is that ugly comments have been made by B's mother about me having been on medical leave for severe/chronic migraines (we're talking all day, every day for months on end) and apparently some rather not nice things about my family out of state. I have never and will never openly bash on this woman in front of or directly to her daughter. I may not like this woman, but I still respect that she is my stepdaughter's mother and what good does it do to talk like that anyway? All it does is upset B, and she already has to deal with enough being the child of divorce and being torn between two families. I would absolutely love it if we could all get along and be happy for each other, yet somehow this woman doesn't know how to be civil, all the while claiming we're the ones that aren't civil. And I see this kind of thing all the time in other blended families, regardless of their custody situation or if one side or the other has moved on. It's absolutely terrible that people can be so vindictive and so focused on just "winning" the child over or getting custody that they can spew such negativity and knowingly and willingly pull their children into such horrible situations or conversations! Are people really this childish anymore?!
I for one am tired of children being treated this poorly, and I encourage any parent, whether you're part of a blended family or not, please stop dragging your children into negative conversations like this! There is no reason for it and all it achieves is making you look like a total ass. What kind of example are we setting for our children by acting like this I ask you? We will leave behind a world of childish, rude and disrespectful people if we continue on this path.
Just recently B came home and told me that she was told by her mother to tell us to "buy more size 10/12 clothes for B", and that her mother has asked if "daddy even knows what size she wears". At what point did it become appropriate to have these kinds of conversations with a child instead of addressing the issue to the other parent? It is absolutely mind boggling to me how anyone can think this is acceptable. And yet at the same time, B has come home with now seven pairs of size six panties from mom's house, instead of coming home with her own underwear from our house. The hypocrisy involved in this is just appalling to me! I think most women would understand when I say that the number on the tag is not always very accurate, even in children's clothing, and just because a child is "supposed" to be wearing size 10/12 does not mean that size 10/12 is going to fit them. Sorry for going on a side rant here, but size 10/12 shirts are absolutely huge on B and because she is so skinny most size 8 jeans still fit her very well. Some are perhaps a bit on the short side but since it's still warm she tends to wear them as capris instead. Shorts are an entirely different matter and sizes for those seems to be all over the place!
There have been many times that B has come home and complained that she doesn't have clothes that fit at her mother's house. Never have I told her that her mom needs to get her more clothes or that her mother doesn't seem to know what clothes she actually wears. Although I did comment to her on the size 6 panties since I found several more pairs in her laundry when she came home announcing we needed to get more size 10/12, more asking B if the size 6 panties fit and allowing her to draw her own conclusion on the matter. In fact just this last winter B complained that she didn't have any jeans at mom's that fit, they were all too small, and she had to wear doubled up leggings to be able to stay warm enough. I asked her if she had told her mom that they didn't fit, since we're not the ones wearing them and we might not realize they're too tight unless she says something. Apparently B had in fact told her mother but was told she had too many clothes and she couldn't get anything new. Wait, what?! I left the conversation at that but we nicely offered her mother to send a pair of jeans with B on her next visit since we had gotten so many pairs for Christmas, that way B would be sure to have some that fit. We should have known that would get a hateful response! Right away we were accused of all sorts of things and told that B had plenty of clothes that fit and basically "I'm her mother I can take care of my own daughter!" We never implied you couldn't lady, but we all know that sometimes things are tight and you have to make things stretch a bit, we only wanted to help and make sure that B was comfortable. Funny enough, after B's next visit she had a whole bunch of new jeans!
Side rant being said and done, I just don't understand why these kinds of conversations ever have to take place. What's worse is that ugly comments have been made by B's mother about me having been on medical leave for severe/chronic migraines (we're talking all day, every day for months on end) and apparently some rather not nice things about my family out of state. I have never and will never openly bash on this woman in front of or directly to her daughter. I may not like this woman, but I still respect that she is my stepdaughter's mother and what good does it do to talk like that anyway? All it does is upset B, and she already has to deal with enough being the child of divorce and being torn between two families. I would absolutely love it if we could all get along and be happy for each other, yet somehow this woman doesn't know how to be civil, all the while claiming we're the ones that aren't civil. And I see this kind of thing all the time in other blended families, regardless of their custody situation or if one side or the other has moved on. It's absolutely terrible that people can be so vindictive and so focused on just "winning" the child over or getting custody that they can spew such negativity and knowingly and willingly pull their children into such horrible situations or conversations! Are people really this childish anymore?!
I for one am tired of children being treated this poorly, and I encourage any parent, whether you're part of a blended family or not, please stop dragging your children into negative conversations like this! There is no reason for it and all it achieves is making you look like a total ass. What kind of example are we setting for our children by acting like this I ask you? We will leave behind a world of childish, rude and disrespectful people if we continue on this path.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Stress
Being a part of a blended family can be very stressful, both for the parents as well as for the child(ren) involved. Stress can easily destroy relationships as well as your mental and physical wellbeing. While us adults might be able to handle the stress involved, children often times cannot as they have yet to develop the coping skills necessary to do so and often times simply do not understand what is going on. What angers me more than anything as a stepmother is seeing my stepdaughter unnecessarily pulled into adult situations or conversations that will only result in her being more stressed than she needs to be. Unfortunately this seems to be a constant problem with her birth mother.
Arguments among adults are bound to happen, but that doesn't mean that our children should be aware of such conversations. My fiancé and I do our best to keep B out of any conversation (i.e. argument) that we might have with her mother unless it becomes absolutely necessary to involve her. However we have no control over what conversations or arguments she might be pulled into while she's with her mother. This often times results in us having to have difficult conversations with her, trying to explain what is going on and basically repair the damage that her mother has inflicted in order for her to get her way. It is stressful for B to be in this "monkey in the middle" position and even more stressful for us to be witness to it and helpless to do anything about it.
It doesn't seem that there are many resources out there for how to deal with this sort of insanity that we are constantly faced with. We are hopeful that seeking family counseling will help for us to face the challenges that we struggle with and to keep us all on a more positive path. I would strongly urge any blended family facing these sort of issues to reach out to a family and child therapist for assistance. It really can make a world of difference when a family is faced with such turmoil.
There are really only two things I have found helpful with this whole mess. The first being limiting stressful situation, or making changes to stressful areas of our lives. Both J and I have recently started new jobs that have allowed us to spend more time together as a family, working in positions that are less stressful and fit us better as professionals. My change of employment has made the biggest difference for us as a family. My last job had become such a stressful environment that I was suffering chronic migraines to the point of being on medical leave, luckily with short term disability benefits through my employer, for the better part of a year (which is why I haven't posted anything in so long). It was so horrible that I could hardly leave the house half the time because my migraines result in such severe light and sound sensitivity. Even walking to pick B up from school would leave me in pain for the rest of the day, unable to do much of anything. After going through several different doctors and specialists, and just as many different medications and different therapies, I am finally on the med but having moved to a more comfortable part time position doing something that I enjoy has made a huge difference as well. As a family we are much less stressed now than even just a few months ago, because of the changes in employment that J and I have made.
The second thing that I have found to be helpful is to limit how involved B is in any of our conversations (argumentative or otherwise) with her mother. This is very difficult, as like I have said her mother tends to purposely drag B into conversations to try to get her way, but while she's with us and we have control over how involved she is it does seem to help out a lot with all 3 of our stress levels. Right now we're trying to find better ways of approaching any arguments that do arise and how we manage it once B's mother has managed to pull B into things, which is proving to be the most difficult area of change that we have dealt with so far. There's really no easy fix when it comes to this. When a parent has it in their mind to trash you and manipulate the situation it's near impossible to defuse such an explosive scenario. This is why we're currently seeking outside help by finding a family counselor for us all to meet with. There's nothing wrong in admitting that you need help, especially when a child's wellbeing hangs in the balance.
I started this blog in hopes that our story might be able to help others that have found themselves in our situation, and I encourage anyone who reads our story to seek out help in the form of a family and child therapist. Having both sides of the blended family involved would be the ideal scenario with this, but if the other side isn't willing to be involved in counseling thats ok. Get help for your side. Our children need our help and support and if we flounder it hurts them more than it does us.
Best wishes to my readers, and a happy Labor Day as well!
Arguments among adults are bound to happen, but that doesn't mean that our children should be aware of such conversations. My fiancé and I do our best to keep B out of any conversation (i.e. argument) that we might have with her mother unless it becomes absolutely necessary to involve her. However we have no control over what conversations or arguments she might be pulled into while she's with her mother. This often times results in us having to have difficult conversations with her, trying to explain what is going on and basically repair the damage that her mother has inflicted in order for her to get her way. It is stressful for B to be in this "monkey in the middle" position and even more stressful for us to be witness to it and helpless to do anything about it.
It doesn't seem that there are many resources out there for how to deal with this sort of insanity that we are constantly faced with. We are hopeful that seeking family counseling will help for us to face the challenges that we struggle with and to keep us all on a more positive path. I would strongly urge any blended family facing these sort of issues to reach out to a family and child therapist for assistance. It really can make a world of difference when a family is faced with such turmoil.
There are really only two things I have found helpful with this whole mess. The first being limiting stressful situation, or making changes to stressful areas of our lives. Both J and I have recently started new jobs that have allowed us to spend more time together as a family, working in positions that are less stressful and fit us better as professionals. My change of employment has made the biggest difference for us as a family. My last job had become such a stressful environment that I was suffering chronic migraines to the point of being on medical leave, luckily with short term disability benefits through my employer, for the better part of a year (which is why I haven't posted anything in so long). It was so horrible that I could hardly leave the house half the time because my migraines result in such severe light and sound sensitivity. Even walking to pick B up from school would leave me in pain for the rest of the day, unable to do much of anything. After going through several different doctors and specialists, and just as many different medications and different therapies, I am finally on the med but having moved to a more comfortable part time position doing something that I enjoy has made a huge difference as well. As a family we are much less stressed now than even just a few months ago, because of the changes in employment that J and I have made.
The second thing that I have found to be helpful is to limit how involved B is in any of our conversations (argumentative or otherwise) with her mother. This is very difficult, as like I have said her mother tends to purposely drag B into conversations to try to get her way, but while she's with us and we have control over how involved she is it does seem to help out a lot with all 3 of our stress levels. Right now we're trying to find better ways of approaching any arguments that do arise and how we manage it once B's mother has managed to pull B into things, which is proving to be the most difficult area of change that we have dealt with so far. There's really no easy fix when it comes to this. When a parent has it in their mind to trash you and manipulate the situation it's near impossible to defuse such an explosive scenario. This is why we're currently seeking outside help by finding a family counselor for us all to meet with. There's nothing wrong in admitting that you need help, especially when a child's wellbeing hangs in the balance.
I started this blog in hopes that our story might be able to help others that have found themselves in our situation, and I encourage anyone who reads our story to seek out help in the form of a family and child therapist. Having both sides of the blended family involved would be the ideal scenario with this, but if the other side isn't willing to be involved in counseling thats ok. Get help for your side. Our children need our help and support and if we flounder it hurts them more than it does us.
Best wishes to my readers, and a happy Labor Day as well!
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