Having been agnostic for about half of my life, up until this past year, faith is a hard topic for me to discuss. I am still figuring things out in the faith department and as such I still have a lot of questions. But with some of the things that I have been through in recent years it's hard to ignore the influence that God has had on the outcome of certain situations and events. And once again I find the timing of things spine tinglingly coincidental. I say this because my new found faith is going to be tested in the coming months, and I will need it to get through our impending battle.
Mommy dearest has filed for custody of B. Something J and I knew would happen eventually, but are still nevertheless blind-sided by. I wish I could say that I'm not worried about the custody battle. I'd like to say that there's no way in hell that this mad woman could win with the drama that she causes and how manipulative she is. But I would be lying to myself if I were to say either of these things. I'm afraid. The past several months have shown just how manipulative and conniving she can be. After having a whole month with mommy dearest for her summer visitation, B came home essentially an entirely different person. She has been brainwashed. Even when she comes home complaining about how horrible her mother is, how childish she behaves and how she spends more time on her phone or watching TV than she does with her, or her step-sister, or her new baby half-sister, she still insists that she wants to live with her mom now. It seems that this is only because her mom has put it in her head that she has lived with dad for so many years that now she needs to live with mom to make it fair. What scares me the most is that mommy dearest can put on a real good show, making people believe she is mother of the year even though she is downright toxic. I worry how well she might be able to manipulate the courts to get her way.
To make matters worse, her nana, who had been on our side with things since mommy dearest had gone off the deep end and became ugly towards her own mother, has now changed sides and is also manipulating B to turn us into the bad guys. Every weekend we have B becomes a battle with her nana because she seems to feel that I should not have B on Saturdays since J is working. Because I have oh so much time to do fun things with B during the week, after school. We pretty much only have time for homework, chores, dinner and then bedtime. And yet I'm constantly being robbed any time to take her to do things together on weekends because I "already get time with her every day".
Needless to say I'm tired of all the drama. I'm emotionally exhausted from having to constantly explain to B what is really going on and what the truth is when we're being lied about. Adults should not behave in this manner. Children should not be used as a pawn like this. It's upsetting and infuriating but I am powerless to do much of anything to protect B from it and that hurts me more than anything. So because of all of this, my choice to return to church and rediscover my faith could not come at a better time. I pray nightly for strength and guidance. I have already been through so much and I am a very strong woman because of it, but I've never felt so helpless before in my life. I know that I will be relying heavily on my faith to get through this. I will need to lean on God and His guidance to be able to weather the storm.
I've started to seek out resources to help me find my way through this nightmare by faith and am excited to say that some of the resources I have found have been very comforting. I recently downloaded the bible app through the Apple Store (the publisher shows as Life.Church) and found a few reading plans and devotionals that have given me quite a few things to think about and some much needed advice through scripture. One I would like to recommend for any other stepmothers or fathers out there is called "Blended Family: Becoming Stepfamily Smart". Some of what has been discussed so far doesn't directly apply to my situation as B has always been very accepting of me being in her life and starting a future together with her father, but even some of the things discussed in the devotional and reading plan segments that don't directly apply to me have been helpful as they give me a different perspective on step parenting and how the children of blended families may be affected by different adult situations. It's easy to forget how difficult it can be for a child of divorce, split between two families, especially when parents can become so easily overwhelmed by the problems between spouses and ex-spouses. It's easy to lose perspective and it's also easy to lose faith.
I'd like to close with the a prayer that has stuck with me and helped me even when I had rejected faith and religion; the serenity prayer. Most people are familiar with it but may not know it in it's entirety.
"God give me grace to accept with serenity
The things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the rings which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that You will make all things right
If I surrender to Your Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with You
Forever in the next."
