Mom Shaming

Something I will never understand about mothers in general, but more so with mothers/stepmothers in a blended family, is why it's necessary to opening bash on the other.  Especially when it is done in the presence of, or directly speaking to, their child.  Sadly I have more often than not been the subject of this type of mom shaming.  While J and I make a point to never say anything negative about B's mother when we are talking with her, her mother unfortunately is not able to extend the same courtesy.  It seems that this type of bad mouthing is beginning to happen more and more frequently, which is very upsetting considering that B is starting to get older and is understanding what is going on and that it isn't right to talk negatively about other people.  Way too often we are faced with difficult conversations with B because of something her mother has said to her while she has been with her mother for a visit.  When it comes right down to it, I find this type of behavior absolutely disgusting and I am at my wits end with having to deal with it.

Just recently B came home and told me that she was told by her mother to tell us to "buy more size 10/12 clothes for B", and that her mother has asked if "daddy even knows what size she wears".  At what point did it become appropriate to have these kinds of conversations with a child instead of addressing the issue to the other parent?  It is absolutely mind boggling to me how anyone can think this is acceptable.  And yet at the same time, B has come home with now seven pairs of size six panties from mom's house, instead of coming home with her own underwear from our house.  The hypocrisy involved in this is just appalling to me!  I think most women would understand when I say that the number on the tag is not always very accurate, even in children's clothing, and just because a child is "supposed" to be wearing size 10/12 does not mean that size 10/12 is going to fit them.  Sorry for going on a side rant here, but size 10/12 shirts are absolutely huge on B and because she is so skinny most size 8 jeans still fit her very well.  Some are perhaps a bit on the short side but since it's still warm she tends to wear them as capris instead.  Shorts are an entirely different matter and sizes for those seems to be all over the place!

There have been many times that B has come home and complained that she doesn't have clothes that fit at her mother's house.  Never have I told her that her mom needs to get her more clothes or that her mother doesn't seem to know what clothes she actually wears.  Although I did comment to her on the size 6 panties since I found several more pairs in her laundry when she came home announcing we needed to get more size 10/12, more asking B if the size 6 panties fit and allowing her to draw her own conclusion on the matter.  In fact just this last winter B complained that she didn't have any jeans at mom's that fit, they were all too small, and she had to wear doubled up leggings to be able to stay warm enough.  I asked her if she had told her mom that they didn't fit, since we're not the ones wearing them and we might not realize they're too tight unless she says something.  Apparently B had in fact told her mother but was told she had too many clothes and she couldn't get anything new.  Wait, what?!  I left the conversation at that but we nicely offered her mother to send a pair of jeans with B on her next visit since we had gotten so many pairs for Christmas, that way B would be sure to have some that fit.  We should have known that would get a hateful response!  Right away we were accused of all sorts of things and told that B had plenty of clothes that fit and basically "I'm her mother I can take care of my own daughter!"  We never implied you couldn't lady, but we all know that sometimes things are tight and you have to make things stretch a bit, we only wanted to help and make sure that B was comfortable.  Funny enough, after B's next visit she had a whole bunch of new jeans!

Side rant being said and done, I just don't understand why these kinds of conversations ever have to take place.  What's worse is that ugly comments have been made by B's mother about me having been on medical leave for severe/chronic migraines (we're talking all day, every day for months on end) and apparently some rather not nice things about my family out of state.  I have never and will never openly bash on this woman in front of or directly to her daughter.  I may not like this woman, but I still respect that she is my stepdaughter's mother and what good does it do to talk like that anyway?  All it does is upset B, and she already has to deal with enough being the child of divorce and being torn between two families.  I would absolutely love it if we could all get along and be happy for each other, yet somehow this woman doesn't know how to be civil, all the while claiming we're the ones that aren't civil.  And I see this kind of thing all the time in other blended families, regardless of their custody situation or if one side or the other has moved on.  It's absolutely terrible that people can be so vindictive and so focused on just "winning" the child over or getting custody that they can spew such negativity and knowingly and willingly pull their children into such horrible situations or conversations!  Are people really this childish anymore?!

I for one am tired of children being treated this poorly, and I encourage any parent, whether you're part of a blended family or not, please stop dragging your children into negative conversations like this!  There is no reason for it and all it achieves is making you look like a total ass.  What kind of example are we setting for our children by acting like this I ask you?  We will leave behind a world of childish, rude and disrespectful people if we continue on this path.