Stress

Being a part of a blended family can be very stressful, both for the parents as well as for the child(ren) involved.  Stress can easily destroy relationships as well as your mental and physical wellbeing.  While us adults might be able to handle the stress involved, children often times cannot as they have yet to develop the coping skills necessary to do so and often times simply do not understand what is going on.  What angers me more than anything as a stepmother is seeing my stepdaughter unnecessarily pulled into adult situations or conversations that will only result in her being more stressed than she needs to be.  Unfortunately this seems to be a constant problem with her birth mother.

Arguments among adults are bound to happen, but that doesn't mean that our children should be aware of such conversations.  My fiancé and I do our best to keep B out of any conversation (i.e. argument) that we might have with her mother unless it becomes absolutely necessary to involve her. However we have no control over what conversations or arguments she might be pulled into while she's with her mother.  This often times results in us having to have difficult conversations with her, trying to explain what is going on and basically repair the damage that her mother has inflicted in order for her to get her way.  It is stressful for B to be in this "monkey in the middle" position and even more stressful for us to be witness to it and helpless to do anything about it.

It doesn't seem that there are many resources out there for how to deal with this sort of insanity that we are constantly faced with.  We are hopeful that seeking family counseling will help for us to face the challenges that we struggle with and to keep us all on a more positive path.  I would strongly urge any blended family facing these sort of issues to reach out to a family and child therapist for assistance.  It really can make a world of difference when a family is faced with such turmoil.

There are really only two things I have found helpful with this whole mess.  The first being limiting stressful situation, or making changes to stressful areas of our lives.  Both J and I have recently started new jobs that have allowed us to spend more time together as a family, working in positions that are less stressful and fit us better as professionals.  My change of employment has made the biggest difference for us as a family.  My last job had become such a stressful environment that I was suffering chronic migraines to the point of being on medical leave, luckily with short term disability benefits through my employer, for the better part of a year (which is why I haven't posted anything in so long).  It was so horrible that I could hardly leave the house half the time because my migraines result in such severe light and sound sensitivity.  Even walking to pick B up from school would leave me in pain for the rest of the day, unable to do much of anything.  After going through several different doctors and specialists, and just as many different medications and different therapies, I am finally on the med but having moved to a more comfortable part time position doing something that I enjoy has made a huge difference as well.  As a family we are much less stressed now than even just a few months ago, because of the changes in employment that J and I have made.

The second thing that I have found to be helpful is to limit how involved B is in any of our conversations (argumentative or otherwise) with her mother.  This is very difficult, as like I have said her mother tends to purposely drag B into conversations to try to get her way, but while she's with us and we have control over how involved she is it does seem to help out a lot with all 3 of our stress levels.  Right now we're trying to find better ways of approaching any arguments that do arise and how we manage it once B's mother has managed to pull B into things, which is proving to be the most difficult area of change that we have dealt with so far.  There's really no easy fix when it comes to this.  When a parent has it in their mind to trash you and manipulate the situation it's near impossible to defuse such an explosive scenario.  This is why we're currently seeking outside help by finding a family counselor for us all to meet with.  There's nothing wrong in admitting that you need help, especially when a child's wellbeing hangs in the balance.

I started this blog in hopes that our story might be able to help others that have found themselves in our situation, and I encourage anyone who reads our story to seek out help in the form of a family and child therapist.  Having both sides of the blended family involved would be the ideal scenario with this, but if the other side isn't willing to be involved in counseling thats ok.  Get help for your side.  Our children need our help and support and if we flounder it hurts them more than it does us.

Best wishes to my readers, and a happy Labor Day as well!