The Evil Stepmother

It's a common theme in fairytales.  Cinderalla, Snow White, Hansel and Gretel; stepmothers are nearly always portrayed as being inherently evil.  Whether they're actively trying to harm their step child(ren) or just seem to feel that life would be easier without them, stepmothers seem to always get a bad rap.  And while I suppose there are probably real evil stepmothers out there, the reality of it is that most stepmothers are actually wonderful mothers.

I would have never imagined myself as a stepmother.  Having married at 23 to a childhood friend, I always expected to only ever be a mother to my own birth child(ren).  Then after nearly 5 years of marriage, living with emotional abuse and lies, I found myself divorced and shortly thereafter involved with a man who had a daughter from a previous marriage.  It was the most natural and wonderful feeling in the world to have his daughter accept me as I was, someone she hardly knew, and for her to love me as family even though I was just daddy's girlfriend.  It wasn't long until she began referring to me as momma, even though her birth mother was, and still is, a big part of her life.  At first I didn't even know how to react to it and felt horribly guilty.  I never wanted or intended to replace, or even substitute, her mother and have always tried to respect their relationship.  And yet I can't explain how amazing it feels to be accepted unconditionally by a young girl that by all means has no reason to accept me as a mother figure.  Because of this trust she had in me so early on, I have always done everything I can to be the best mother to her, even though I did not give birth to her.

Anymore it seems that people don't always understand or respect the fact that by dating the parent of a child you are signing up for a package deal.  I suppose that is why even before we began officially dating my fiancé made it painfully clear that if I wanted to be with him I had to be accepting of the fact that he had a daughter.  I had to want the package deal, not just him.  Even though I might not have realized what it was I was signing up for, I never even hesitated.  I was crazy about him, and I had already met her and though it was brief I already realized how amazing she was.  I wanted nothing more than to be a part of their lives.  What we never discussed, however, was the fact that I would also be having to deal with her birth mother from there on out.  I suppose the experience varies from person to person, but somehow I imagine that being the stepmother is never an easy chore for anyone who has to deal with their stepchild's birth mother.

There's a fine line one must walk, being the best parent you can be to your stepchild, effectively raising them as your own, and yet still respecting the role their birth parent still plays in their life.  It doesn't matter who has custody or who has visitation rights either.  You won't always see eye to eye, and sometimes things can get downright ugly, even in the most cooperative and civil co-parenting relationships.  Should it be anything less than civil then things can easily go from happily ever after to a complete nightmare in the blink of an eye.  But one thing is for certain, regardless of how the relationship is between you, your significant other and the other parent of their birth child, the focus must be on the wellbeing of any child involved.

At this point I may not be an "official" stepmother as we have not legally married yet, but the commitment we have made to each other is just as strong as any paper document or gold and diamond ring could ever pretend to be.  And because of this, we have already become a family.  I may not be perfect, and I will admit that I have much to learn, but I am not an evil stepmother.