The holiday season can easily be the most stressful time of year for anyone, but even more so for those who are part of a blended family. Trying to live up to a child's dream-like expectations for the season can be daunting, even for a non-blended family, but add in another household with a different environment, traditions and parenting style and it can quickly throw a wrench into your holiday plans and add an extraordinary amount of stress that no one needs to deal with during what should be a season of celebrations.
The biggest problem with being part of a blended family during the holidays is there nearly always ends up being a sense of competition between households, even if you try to avoid it. Who can have the best decorations, the most fun, or the best gifts. To say that one isn't falling into such a petty display of rivalry would be denying human nature. Everyone wants to be the reason that their child smiles and feels loved, and who wants to feel like someone else is doing a better job of it? Yeah, that's what I thought. No one.
Believe me, I don't want to be involved in that type of competition anymore than the next person, and I try to straight up ignore what goes on at the other sides house. But it's hard to ignore the stories that B tells about what holiday plans they have, the decorations they've put up, the gifts her mom is making, the gifts she ends up getting and how excited she is about all of it. Especially when I already feel like I'm trying to make up for the meager Christmases I had growing up by piling on the gifts to make sure she has bigger and better Christmases than I did. The pressure to deliver an amazing, magical holiday experience is real and it's much too easy to get wrapped up in it.
That's why I feel like it's important to focus on your own household first. That's not to say that you should ignore what the other side is doing, but put your family first, just like we know we should with anything else. In my opinion it's pointless to try to ignore what's going on with the other sides household anyway, instead I try to acknowledge it whenever B brings it up, and make positive comments like "Oh that's cool!" or "How exciting! I'm sure (insert family member here) will love it!" It isn't easy saying these things when I flat out despise her mother (for legitimate reasons here, trust me), but it's important for her positive emotions to be reinforced and more importantly my negative emotions shouldn't ever even be known to her. That's damaging to a child, plain and simple. Past that it's important to remember that each family is going to have a different holiday experience, neither one is going to be "better" than the other, just different. Getting caught up in trying to make anything better than something else is going to be counterproductive anyway, making you more stressed and the experience less fun, blended family life isn't any different. Creating consistent family traditions within your own household and getting the whole family involved in them is the best way to make the holidays memorable for your household, and the easiest way to avoid playing into the petty rivalries between households.
One other form of competition that may not be as obvious but is even more important to avoid, is the other side having access to their child(ren) during the holidays. This shouldn't even need to be said, but it seems to be a big problem that not only my family has to face. All too often do I hear from others who are part of a blended family about the other parent preventing them from speaking to their child during their visits, whether its during the holidays or otherwise. And I'm not talking about the other family being so busy that it's difficult to make time for a simple phone call, I'm talking about the other parent flat out refusing to allow them to talk to their child. Whether it's a straight forward refusal or a deceptive time limit rule that cuts off access to the child as a result, it doesn't much matter. It's still taking the other parent away from the child and it isn't right.
I know it can be all too easy to feel like it's "our time" and to want to keep it that way, avoiding letting the other parent in on the families holiday time together even for a few minutes with a phone call. But it's important for any child to be able to talk to both sides, regardless of the season. Putting aside a few minutes to have your child call the other parent, to sit down and have a real conversation without distractions (as in they aren't sitting in front of the TV or in the middle of some other activity) is really not that hard to do and it can mean the world to a child. Telling your kid that it's "your time" with them and that you don't want to give up any of "your time" by allowing them to speak to the other parent (whether at all or for more than a set amount of time) when they want to be able to talk to them only makes you look like an ass. So don't do it, no matter how horrible the other parent is or you think they are. There are some rare situations where maybe forbidding access could be acceptable, or the best possible decision even, but for most families and situations it's just a bad idea.
In the long run it's the holidays that children tend to remember the most, so it's important we make the most of them. Stressing out about petty bullshit, competing for our children or hogging our children's time and attention is only going to make the holidays suck for not only us, but for them as well. I'm not saying lets all get together and be best friends with the other side, but lets put the focus back on our children the way it should be all year round. I hope that my ranting might help someone else who's struggling with being part of a blended family during the holidays. It sure can feel like the farthest thing from "the most wonderful time of the year"!
Friday, December 23, 2016
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Perspective
It seems to me that we all face major life lessons at some point in our lives. Some might be brief, one time lessons. Others might be ongoing and span months or even years. Whether you believe these are lessons placed before us by a higher power, the universe guiding us, or just part of growing up without any deeper meaning, we all go through them. Currently I find myself facing two main life lessons which have been ongoing for some time now, and I strongly believe these have been lessons set before me by God. These two lessons are patience and perspective.
Learning patience has been set before me for a long time now, and I feel I have come a long way with it, although I know there are some areas in my life where I still need to work on practicing patience. Perspective, however, is either a new lesson or one that I have not recognized as being a lesson until more recently. I have always realized that it is important to keep things in perspective and I have always tried to see all sides of the story and to put myself in others shoes, but lately I've realized that sometimes I let my emotions get in the way of doing so and find myself jumping to conclusions or making assumptions that could be adding to some of our struggles with blended family life.
When there's already tension or even animosity between the birth parents in a blended family, it can be easy to let your emotions get the best of you in situations that arise and we can become too focused on our own perspective of the situation to be able to work through things and problem solve currently. It's also all too easy to forget that children have an entirely different perspective of things than we do as adults, and we can jump to conclusions based on what our children are telling us. I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't always think of this and am probably guilty of jumping to conclusion or making assumptions based on things my stepdaughter tells me!
In my previous post, which I'm shocked to realize was made over a year ago!, I talked about how we were facing a custody battle with B's mother. Unfortunately this is something we're still dealing with. Due to family health issues that our lawyer is having to deal with everything has been on hold for the last year. That in itself has proved to be extremely stressful, add on top of it planning a wedding and the stressed ended up being nearly unbearable at times. Yet me made it through the year despite challenges with the custody battle, everyday blended family life, changes in employment and planning and paying for our wedding (we're officially Mr & Mrs now!), and I feel it has strengthened my relationship with J and has helped me to grow as a person. Furthering the personal growth I've experience in the last year I realized that some of why we continually face such turmoil as a blended family is because we're not looking at things from the other sides perspective, or forgetting how our daughter may perceive things and in turn may explain things in a way that we could take out of context. For example, we've known for a long time that our parenting style is much different than that of B's mom, something that shouldn't be a problem but has managed to cause a lot arguments. It seems to have also warped B's idea as to how parents should parent.
Somehow along the way it seems that because of the difference in parenting styles B has decided that J and I are too strict and that I am rude and mean because of how I handle discipline as a stepmother. Because of B's perspective on parenting between the two families, I find myself suddenly donning the crooked crown of the evil stepmother. At first I struggled with this. I was angry, especially because it led to B acting out towards me and J and being very disrespectful, something I simply do not put up with. We've had to really focus on addressing B's perspective of what's going on and explain to her that as parents, we are not here to be her friends and make her happy every moment of every day. We're here to raise her to be a responsible and respectful young adult. Recognizing her difference in perspective of the situation and helping her to understand things from a different perspective has helped for us to work through some extremely frustrating situations with her.
Another way that perspective has become an important lesson is realizing that mommy dearest has a very different perspective on the world in general than we do. This simple fact could very well prove to be the most difficult life lesson I ever have to face, but now when we're faced with an argument I try to make a point of taking a moment to try to see things from her perspective before we even respond to anything she has to say to J. This isn't easy but so far it seems to at least help us to keep us from jumping to conclusions or making assumptions and helps to avoid escalating things to an argument (she doesn't need any help with doing that!). We'll see where this lesson takes me, and our crazy little blended family. I am hopeful that in the long run it could help bring some semblance of peace to our lives but I won't be holding my breath. At least it might make it easier for us to face difficult situations as they arise.
Learning patience has been set before me for a long time now, and I feel I have come a long way with it, although I know there are some areas in my life where I still need to work on practicing patience. Perspective, however, is either a new lesson or one that I have not recognized as being a lesson until more recently. I have always realized that it is important to keep things in perspective and I have always tried to see all sides of the story and to put myself in others shoes, but lately I've realized that sometimes I let my emotions get in the way of doing so and find myself jumping to conclusions or making assumptions that could be adding to some of our struggles with blended family life.
When there's already tension or even animosity between the birth parents in a blended family, it can be easy to let your emotions get the best of you in situations that arise and we can become too focused on our own perspective of the situation to be able to work through things and problem solve currently. It's also all too easy to forget that children have an entirely different perspective of things than we do as adults, and we can jump to conclusions based on what our children are telling us. I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't always think of this and am probably guilty of jumping to conclusion or making assumptions based on things my stepdaughter tells me!
In my previous post, which I'm shocked to realize was made over a year ago!, I talked about how we were facing a custody battle with B's mother. Unfortunately this is something we're still dealing with. Due to family health issues that our lawyer is having to deal with everything has been on hold for the last year. That in itself has proved to be extremely stressful, add on top of it planning a wedding and the stressed ended up being nearly unbearable at times. Yet me made it through the year despite challenges with the custody battle, everyday blended family life, changes in employment and planning and paying for our wedding (we're officially Mr & Mrs now!), and I feel it has strengthened my relationship with J and has helped me to grow as a person. Furthering the personal growth I've experience in the last year I realized that some of why we continually face such turmoil as a blended family is because we're not looking at things from the other sides perspective, or forgetting how our daughter may perceive things and in turn may explain things in a way that we could take out of context. For example, we've known for a long time that our parenting style is much different than that of B's mom, something that shouldn't be a problem but has managed to cause a lot arguments. It seems to have also warped B's idea as to how parents should parent.
Somehow along the way it seems that because of the difference in parenting styles B has decided that J and I are too strict and that I am rude and mean because of how I handle discipline as a stepmother. Because of B's perspective on parenting between the two families, I find myself suddenly donning the crooked crown of the evil stepmother. At first I struggled with this. I was angry, especially because it led to B acting out towards me and J and being very disrespectful, something I simply do not put up with. We've had to really focus on addressing B's perspective of what's going on and explain to her that as parents, we are not here to be her friends and make her happy every moment of every day. We're here to raise her to be a responsible and respectful young adult. Recognizing her difference in perspective of the situation and helping her to understand things from a different perspective has helped for us to work through some extremely frustrating situations with her.
Another way that perspective has become an important lesson is realizing that mommy dearest has a very different perspective on the world in general than we do. This simple fact could very well prove to be the most difficult life lesson I ever have to face, but now when we're faced with an argument I try to make a point of taking a moment to try to see things from her perspective before we even respond to anything she has to say to J. This isn't easy but so far it seems to at least help us to keep us from jumping to conclusions or making assumptions and helps to avoid escalating things to an argument (she doesn't need any help with doing that!). We'll see where this lesson takes me, and our crazy little blended family. I am hopeful that in the long run it could help bring some semblance of peace to our lives but I won't be holding my breath. At least it might make it easier for us to face difficult situations as they arise.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Faith
Having been agnostic for about half of my life, up until this past year, faith is a hard topic for me to discuss. I am still figuring things out in the faith department and as such I still have a lot of questions. But with some of the things that I have been through in recent years it's hard to ignore the influence that God has had on the outcome of certain situations and events. And once again I find the timing of things spine tinglingly coincidental. I say this because my new found faith is going to be tested in the coming months, and I will need it to get through our impending battle.
Mommy dearest has filed for custody of B. Something J and I knew would happen eventually, but are still nevertheless blind-sided by. I wish I could say that I'm not worried about the custody battle. I'd like to say that there's no way in hell that this mad woman could win with the drama that she causes and how manipulative she is. But I would be lying to myself if I were to say either of these things. I'm afraid. The past several months have shown just how manipulative and conniving she can be. After having a whole month with mommy dearest for her summer visitation, B came home essentially an entirely different person. She has been brainwashed. Even when she comes home complaining about how horrible her mother is, how childish she behaves and how she spends more time on her phone or watching TV than she does with her, or her step-sister, or her new baby half-sister, she still insists that she wants to live with her mom now. It seems that this is only because her mom has put it in her head that she has lived with dad for so many years that now she needs to live with mom to make it fair. What scares me the most is that mommy dearest can put on a real good show, making people believe she is mother of the year even though she is downright toxic. I worry how well she might be able to manipulate the courts to get her way.
To make matters worse, her nana, who had been on our side with things since mommy dearest had gone off the deep end and became ugly towards her own mother, has now changed sides and is also manipulating B to turn us into the bad guys. Every weekend we have B becomes a battle with her nana because she seems to feel that I should not have B on Saturdays since J is working. Because I have oh so much time to do fun things with B during the week, after school. We pretty much only have time for homework, chores, dinner and then bedtime. And yet I'm constantly being robbed any time to take her to do things together on weekends because I "already get time with her every day".
Needless to say I'm tired of all the drama. I'm emotionally exhausted from having to constantly explain to B what is really going on and what the truth is when we're being lied about. Adults should not behave in this manner. Children should not be used as a pawn like this. It's upsetting and infuriating but I am powerless to do much of anything to protect B from it and that hurts me more than anything. So because of all of this, my choice to return to church and rediscover my faith could not come at a better time. I pray nightly for strength and guidance. I have already been through so much and I am a very strong woman because of it, but I've never felt so helpless before in my life. I know that I will be relying heavily on my faith to get through this. I will need to lean on God and His guidance to be able to weather the storm.
I've started to seek out resources to help me find my way through this nightmare by faith and am excited to say that some of the resources I have found have been very comforting. I recently downloaded the bible app through the Apple Store (the publisher shows as Life.Church) and found a few reading plans and devotionals that have given me quite a few things to think about and some much needed advice through scripture. One I would like to recommend for any other stepmothers or fathers out there is called "Blended Family: Becoming Stepfamily Smart". Some of what has been discussed so far doesn't directly apply to my situation as B has always been very accepting of me being in her life and starting a future together with her father, but even some of the things discussed in the devotional and reading plan segments that don't directly apply to me have been helpful as they give me a different perspective on step parenting and how the children of blended families may be affected by different adult situations. It's easy to forget how difficult it can be for a child of divorce, split between two families, especially when parents can become so easily overwhelmed by the problems between spouses and ex-spouses. It's easy to lose perspective and it's also easy to lose faith.
I'd like to close with the a prayer that has stuck with me and helped me even when I had rejected faith and religion; the serenity prayer. Most people are familiar with it but may not know it in it's entirety.
"God give me grace to accept with serenity
The things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the rings which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that You will make all things right
If I surrender to Your Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with You
Forever in the next."
Mommy dearest has filed for custody of B. Something J and I knew would happen eventually, but are still nevertheless blind-sided by. I wish I could say that I'm not worried about the custody battle. I'd like to say that there's no way in hell that this mad woman could win with the drama that she causes and how manipulative she is. But I would be lying to myself if I were to say either of these things. I'm afraid. The past several months have shown just how manipulative and conniving she can be. After having a whole month with mommy dearest for her summer visitation, B came home essentially an entirely different person. She has been brainwashed. Even when she comes home complaining about how horrible her mother is, how childish she behaves and how she spends more time on her phone or watching TV than she does with her, or her step-sister, or her new baby half-sister, she still insists that she wants to live with her mom now. It seems that this is only because her mom has put it in her head that she has lived with dad for so many years that now she needs to live with mom to make it fair. What scares me the most is that mommy dearest can put on a real good show, making people believe she is mother of the year even though she is downright toxic. I worry how well she might be able to manipulate the courts to get her way.
To make matters worse, her nana, who had been on our side with things since mommy dearest had gone off the deep end and became ugly towards her own mother, has now changed sides and is also manipulating B to turn us into the bad guys. Every weekend we have B becomes a battle with her nana because she seems to feel that I should not have B on Saturdays since J is working. Because I have oh so much time to do fun things with B during the week, after school. We pretty much only have time for homework, chores, dinner and then bedtime. And yet I'm constantly being robbed any time to take her to do things together on weekends because I "already get time with her every day".
Needless to say I'm tired of all the drama. I'm emotionally exhausted from having to constantly explain to B what is really going on and what the truth is when we're being lied about. Adults should not behave in this manner. Children should not be used as a pawn like this. It's upsetting and infuriating but I am powerless to do much of anything to protect B from it and that hurts me more than anything. So because of all of this, my choice to return to church and rediscover my faith could not come at a better time. I pray nightly for strength and guidance. I have already been through so much and I am a very strong woman because of it, but I've never felt so helpless before in my life. I know that I will be relying heavily on my faith to get through this. I will need to lean on God and His guidance to be able to weather the storm.
I've started to seek out resources to help me find my way through this nightmare by faith and am excited to say that some of the resources I have found have been very comforting. I recently downloaded the bible app through the Apple Store (the publisher shows as Life.Church) and found a few reading plans and devotionals that have given me quite a few things to think about and some much needed advice through scripture. One I would like to recommend for any other stepmothers or fathers out there is called "Blended Family: Becoming Stepfamily Smart". Some of what has been discussed so far doesn't directly apply to my situation as B has always been very accepting of me being in her life and starting a future together with her father, but even some of the things discussed in the devotional and reading plan segments that don't directly apply to me have been helpful as they give me a different perspective on step parenting and how the children of blended families may be affected by different adult situations. It's easy to forget how difficult it can be for a child of divorce, split between two families, especially when parents can become so easily overwhelmed by the problems between spouses and ex-spouses. It's easy to lose perspective and it's also easy to lose faith.
I'd like to close with the a prayer that has stuck with me and helped me even when I had rejected faith and religion; the serenity prayer. Most people are familiar with it but may not know it in it's entirety.
"God give me grace to accept with serenity
The things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the rings which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that You will make all things right
If I surrender to Your Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with You
Forever in the next."
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Mom Shaming
Something I will never understand about mothers in general, but more so with mothers/stepmothers in a blended family, is why it's necessary to opening bash on the other. Especially when it is done in the presence of, or directly speaking to, their child. Sadly I have more often than not been the subject of this type of mom shaming. While J and I make a point to never say anything negative about B's mother when we are talking with her, her mother unfortunately is not able to extend the same courtesy. It seems that this type of bad mouthing is beginning to happen more and more frequently, which is very upsetting considering that B is starting to get older and is understanding what is going on and that it isn't right to talk negatively about other people. Way too often we are faced with difficult conversations with B because of something her mother has said to her while she has been with her mother for a visit. When it comes right down to it, I find this type of behavior absolutely disgusting and I am at my wits end with having to deal with it.
Just recently B came home and told me that she was told by her mother to tell us to "buy more size 10/12 clothes for B", and that her mother has asked if "daddy even knows what size she wears". At what point did it become appropriate to have these kinds of conversations with a child instead of addressing the issue to the other parent? It is absolutely mind boggling to me how anyone can think this is acceptable. And yet at the same time, B has come home with now seven pairs of size six panties from mom's house, instead of coming home with her own underwear from our house. The hypocrisy involved in this is just appalling to me! I think most women would understand when I say that the number on the tag is not always very accurate, even in children's clothing, and just because a child is "supposed" to be wearing size 10/12 does not mean that size 10/12 is going to fit them. Sorry for going on a side rant here, but size 10/12 shirts are absolutely huge on B and because she is so skinny most size 8 jeans still fit her very well. Some are perhaps a bit on the short side but since it's still warm she tends to wear them as capris instead. Shorts are an entirely different matter and sizes for those seems to be all over the place!
There have been many times that B has come home and complained that she doesn't have clothes that fit at her mother's house. Never have I told her that her mom needs to get her more clothes or that her mother doesn't seem to know what clothes she actually wears. Although I did comment to her on the size 6 panties since I found several more pairs in her laundry when she came home announcing we needed to get more size 10/12, more asking B if the size 6 panties fit and allowing her to draw her own conclusion on the matter. In fact just this last winter B complained that she didn't have any jeans at mom's that fit, they were all too small, and she had to wear doubled up leggings to be able to stay warm enough. I asked her if she had told her mom that they didn't fit, since we're not the ones wearing them and we might not realize they're too tight unless she says something. Apparently B had in fact told her mother but was told she had too many clothes and she couldn't get anything new. Wait, what?! I left the conversation at that but we nicely offered her mother to send a pair of jeans with B on her next visit since we had gotten so many pairs for Christmas, that way B would be sure to have some that fit. We should have known that would get a hateful response! Right away we were accused of all sorts of things and told that B had plenty of clothes that fit and basically "I'm her mother I can take care of my own daughter!" We never implied you couldn't lady, but we all know that sometimes things are tight and you have to make things stretch a bit, we only wanted to help and make sure that B was comfortable. Funny enough, after B's next visit she had a whole bunch of new jeans!
Side rant being said and done, I just don't understand why these kinds of conversations ever have to take place. What's worse is that ugly comments have been made by B's mother about me having been on medical leave for severe/chronic migraines (we're talking all day, every day for months on end) and apparently some rather not nice things about my family out of state. I have never and will never openly bash on this woman in front of or directly to her daughter. I may not like this woman, but I still respect that she is my stepdaughter's mother and what good does it do to talk like that anyway? All it does is upset B, and she already has to deal with enough being the child of divorce and being torn between two families. I would absolutely love it if we could all get along and be happy for each other, yet somehow this woman doesn't know how to be civil, all the while claiming we're the ones that aren't civil. And I see this kind of thing all the time in other blended families, regardless of their custody situation or if one side or the other has moved on. It's absolutely terrible that people can be so vindictive and so focused on just "winning" the child over or getting custody that they can spew such negativity and knowingly and willingly pull their children into such horrible situations or conversations! Are people really this childish anymore?!
I for one am tired of children being treated this poorly, and I encourage any parent, whether you're part of a blended family or not, please stop dragging your children into negative conversations like this! There is no reason for it and all it achieves is making you look like a total ass. What kind of example are we setting for our children by acting like this I ask you? We will leave behind a world of childish, rude and disrespectful people if we continue on this path.
Just recently B came home and told me that she was told by her mother to tell us to "buy more size 10/12 clothes for B", and that her mother has asked if "daddy even knows what size she wears". At what point did it become appropriate to have these kinds of conversations with a child instead of addressing the issue to the other parent? It is absolutely mind boggling to me how anyone can think this is acceptable. And yet at the same time, B has come home with now seven pairs of size six panties from mom's house, instead of coming home with her own underwear from our house. The hypocrisy involved in this is just appalling to me! I think most women would understand when I say that the number on the tag is not always very accurate, even in children's clothing, and just because a child is "supposed" to be wearing size 10/12 does not mean that size 10/12 is going to fit them. Sorry for going on a side rant here, but size 10/12 shirts are absolutely huge on B and because she is so skinny most size 8 jeans still fit her very well. Some are perhaps a bit on the short side but since it's still warm she tends to wear them as capris instead. Shorts are an entirely different matter and sizes for those seems to be all over the place!
There have been many times that B has come home and complained that she doesn't have clothes that fit at her mother's house. Never have I told her that her mom needs to get her more clothes or that her mother doesn't seem to know what clothes she actually wears. Although I did comment to her on the size 6 panties since I found several more pairs in her laundry when she came home announcing we needed to get more size 10/12, more asking B if the size 6 panties fit and allowing her to draw her own conclusion on the matter. In fact just this last winter B complained that she didn't have any jeans at mom's that fit, they were all too small, and she had to wear doubled up leggings to be able to stay warm enough. I asked her if she had told her mom that they didn't fit, since we're not the ones wearing them and we might not realize they're too tight unless she says something. Apparently B had in fact told her mother but was told she had too many clothes and she couldn't get anything new. Wait, what?! I left the conversation at that but we nicely offered her mother to send a pair of jeans with B on her next visit since we had gotten so many pairs for Christmas, that way B would be sure to have some that fit. We should have known that would get a hateful response! Right away we were accused of all sorts of things and told that B had plenty of clothes that fit and basically "I'm her mother I can take care of my own daughter!" We never implied you couldn't lady, but we all know that sometimes things are tight and you have to make things stretch a bit, we only wanted to help and make sure that B was comfortable. Funny enough, after B's next visit she had a whole bunch of new jeans!
Side rant being said and done, I just don't understand why these kinds of conversations ever have to take place. What's worse is that ugly comments have been made by B's mother about me having been on medical leave for severe/chronic migraines (we're talking all day, every day for months on end) and apparently some rather not nice things about my family out of state. I have never and will never openly bash on this woman in front of or directly to her daughter. I may not like this woman, but I still respect that she is my stepdaughter's mother and what good does it do to talk like that anyway? All it does is upset B, and she already has to deal with enough being the child of divorce and being torn between two families. I would absolutely love it if we could all get along and be happy for each other, yet somehow this woman doesn't know how to be civil, all the while claiming we're the ones that aren't civil. And I see this kind of thing all the time in other blended families, regardless of their custody situation or if one side or the other has moved on. It's absolutely terrible that people can be so vindictive and so focused on just "winning" the child over or getting custody that they can spew such negativity and knowingly and willingly pull their children into such horrible situations or conversations! Are people really this childish anymore?!
I for one am tired of children being treated this poorly, and I encourage any parent, whether you're part of a blended family or not, please stop dragging your children into negative conversations like this! There is no reason for it and all it achieves is making you look like a total ass. What kind of example are we setting for our children by acting like this I ask you? We will leave behind a world of childish, rude and disrespectful people if we continue on this path.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Stress
Being a part of a blended family can be very stressful, both for the parents as well as for the child(ren) involved. Stress can easily destroy relationships as well as your mental and physical wellbeing. While us adults might be able to handle the stress involved, children often times cannot as they have yet to develop the coping skills necessary to do so and often times simply do not understand what is going on. What angers me more than anything as a stepmother is seeing my stepdaughter unnecessarily pulled into adult situations or conversations that will only result in her being more stressed than she needs to be. Unfortunately this seems to be a constant problem with her birth mother.
Arguments among adults are bound to happen, but that doesn't mean that our children should be aware of such conversations. My fiancé and I do our best to keep B out of any conversation (i.e. argument) that we might have with her mother unless it becomes absolutely necessary to involve her. However we have no control over what conversations or arguments she might be pulled into while she's with her mother. This often times results in us having to have difficult conversations with her, trying to explain what is going on and basically repair the damage that her mother has inflicted in order for her to get her way. It is stressful for B to be in this "monkey in the middle" position and even more stressful for us to be witness to it and helpless to do anything about it.
It doesn't seem that there are many resources out there for how to deal with this sort of insanity that we are constantly faced with. We are hopeful that seeking family counseling will help for us to face the challenges that we struggle with and to keep us all on a more positive path. I would strongly urge any blended family facing these sort of issues to reach out to a family and child therapist for assistance. It really can make a world of difference when a family is faced with such turmoil.
There are really only two things I have found helpful with this whole mess. The first being limiting stressful situation, or making changes to stressful areas of our lives. Both J and I have recently started new jobs that have allowed us to spend more time together as a family, working in positions that are less stressful and fit us better as professionals. My change of employment has made the biggest difference for us as a family. My last job had become such a stressful environment that I was suffering chronic migraines to the point of being on medical leave, luckily with short term disability benefits through my employer, for the better part of a year (which is why I haven't posted anything in so long). It was so horrible that I could hardly leave the house half the time because my migraines result in such severe light and sound sensitivity. Even walking to pick B up from school would leave me in pain for the rest of the day, unable to do much of anything. After going through several different doctors and specialists, and just as many different medications and different therapies, I am finally on the med but having moved to a more comfortable part time position doing something that I enjoy has made a huge difference as well. As a family we are much less stressed now than even just a few months ago, because of the changes in employment that J and I have made.
The second thing that I have found to be helpful is to limit how involved B is in any of our conversations (argumentative or otherwise) with her mother. This is very difficult, as like I have said her mother tends to purposely drag B into conversations to try to get her way, but while she's with us and we have control over how involved she is it does seem to help out a lot with all 3 of our stress levels. Right now we're trying to find better ways of approaching any arguments that do arise and how we manage it once B's mother has managed to pull B into things, which is proving to be the most difficult area of change that we have dealt with so far. There's really no easy fix when it comes to this. When a parent has it in their mind to trash you and manipulate the situation it's near impossible to defuse such an explosive scenario. This is why we're currently seeking outside help by finding a family counselor for us all to meet with. There's nothing wrong in admitting that you need help, especially when a child's wellbeing hangs in the balance.
I started this blog in hopes that our story might be able to help others that have found themselves in our situation, and I encourage anyone who reads our story to seek out help in the form of a family and child therapist. Having both sides of the blended family involved would be the ideal scenario with this, but if the other side isn't willing to be involved in counseling thats ok. Get help for your side. Our children need our help and support and if we flounder it hurts them more than it does us.
Best wishes to my readers, and a happy Labor Day as well!
Arguments among adults are bound to happen, but that doesn't mean that our children should be aware of such conversations. My fiancé and I do our best to keep B out of any conversation (i.e. argument) that we might have with her mother unless it becomes absolutely necessary to involve her. However we have no control over what conversations or arguments she might be pulled into while she's with her mother. This often times results in us having to have difficult conversations with her, trying to explain what is going on and basically repair the damage that her mother has inflicted in order for her to get her way. It is stressful for B to be in this "monkey in the middle" position and even more stressful for us to be witness to it and helpless to do anything about it.
It doesn't seem that there are many resources out there for how to deal with this sort of insanity that we are constantly faced with. We are hopeful that seeking family counseling will help for us to face the challenges that we struggle with and to keep us all on a more positive path. I would strongly urge any blended family facing these sort of issues to reach out to a family and child therapist for assistance. It really can make a world of difference when a family is faced with such turmoil.
There are really only two things I have found helpful with this whole mess. The first being limiting stressful situation, or making changes to stressful areas of our lives. Both J and I have recently started new jobs that have allowed us to spend more time together as a family, working in positions that are less stressful and fit us better as professionals. My change of employment has made the biggest difference for us as a family. My last job had become such a stressful environment that I was suffering chronic migraines to the point of being on medical leave, luckily with short term disability benefits through my employer, for the better part of a year (which is why I haven't posted anything in so long). It was so horrible that I could hardly leave the house half the time because my migraines result in such severe light and sound sensitivity. Even walking to pick B up from school would leave me in pain for the rest of the day, unable to do much of anything. After going through several different doctors and specialists, and just as many different medications and different therapies, I am finally on the med but having moved to a more comfortable part time position doing something that I enjoy has made a huge difference as well. As a family we are much less stressed now than even just a few months ago, because of the changes in employment that J and I have made.
The second thing that I have found to be helpful is to limit how involved B is in any of our conversations (argumentative or otherwise) with her mother. This is very difficult, as like I have said her mother tends to purposely drag B into conversations to try to get her way, but while she's with us and we have control over how involved she is it does seem to help out a lot with all 3 of our stress levels. Right now we're trying to find better ways of approaching any arguments that do arise and how we manage it once B's mother has managed to pull B into things, which is proving to be the most difficult area of change that we have dealt with so far. There's really no easy fix when it comes to this. When a parent has it in their mind to trash you and manipulate the situation it's near impossible to defuse such an explosive scenario. This is why we're currently seeking outside help by finding a family counselor for us all to meet with. There's nothing wrong in admitting that you need help, especially when a child's wellbeing hangs in the balance.
I started this blog in hopes that our story might be able to help others that have found themselves in our situation, and I encourage anyone who reads our story to seek out help in the form of a family and child therapist. Having both sides of the blended family involved would be the ideal scenario with this, but if the other side isn't willing to be involved in counseling thats ok. Get help for your side. Our children need our help and support and if we flounder it hurts them more than it does us.
Best wishes to my readers, and a happy Labor Day as well!
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
If only...
There's been a recent letter from a birth mother to a stepmother making the rounds on the internet that I really feel the need to discuss. More than likely you have seen it. It's a beautiful letter and the first time I read it, it literally brought tears to my eyes. A horrible sense of mixed emotions came with those tears as well.
Woman writes heartwarming letter to her daughter's stepmom
This letter is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard of. If only more birth mother's and their daughter's stepmothers could have this sort of relationship. It seems to me that it's extremely rare for a birth mother and stepmother to be able to be civil let alone this close and loving to each other. Being on the opposite end of the spectrum, feeling nothing but burning hatred from B's birth mother, I'm both extremely frustrated that hell would freeze over before I could have anywhere near this kind of relationship with this woman but I'm also so happy to hear that other mother's can get it so right.
I can understand how difficult it must be to accept another woman into the life of your own daughter. To hear of how great she is from your daughter and to see how much your daughter loves her. I honestly can't imagine how that must feel, so I don't blame B's mother for not liking me. In all honesty it was something I expected to happen. I never for a second expected for her to be nice to me or to be happy that I was involved in her daughter's life, but I did expect for her to at least attempt at being civil towards me. Never happened.
In fact the first time I met B's mother there were no awkward introductions, no uncomfortable hellos like I had expected. I wasn't even acknowledged. She just walked up to my fiancé's truck, opened the back door and pulled their daughter out of the truck. Now maybe it's just me but I was raised that you wait for people to get out of a vehicle and you don't open someone else's car door. I was in shock. Even then I tried to let it slide. I knew that her and my fiancé had a rather volatile relationship but this still bothered the crap out of me!
It's all been downhill since then and there are too many stories to share in one post. My main point for right now is that I am simply amazed by these two women from this letter. They are epitome of grace and compassion. Bravo to the two of you, and may you set an example for all birth and stepmothers alike to strive for!
Woman writes heartwarming letter to her daughter's stepmom
This letter is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard of. If only more birth mother's and their daughter's stepmothers could have this sort of relationship. It seems to me that it's extremely rare for a birth mother and stepmother to be able to be civil let alone this close and loving to each other. Being on the opposite end of the spectrum, feeling nothing but burning hatred from B's birth mother, I'm both extremely frustrated that hell would freeze over before I could have anywhere near this kind of relationship with this woman but I'm also so happy to hear that other mother's can get it so right.
I can understand how difficult it must be to accept another woman into the life of your own daughter. To hear of how great she is from your daughter and to see how much your daughter loves her. I honestly can't imagine how that must feel, so I don't blame B's mother for not liking me. In all honesty it was something I expected to happen. I never for a second expected for her to be nice to me or to be happy that I was involved in her daughter's life, but I did expect for her to at least attempt at being civil towards me. Never happened.
In fact the first time I met B's mother there were no awkward introductions, no uncomfortable hellos like I had expected. I wasn't even acknowledged. She just walked up to my fiancé's truck, opened the back door and pulled their daughter out of the truck. Now maybe it's just me but I was raised that you wait for people to get out of a vehicle and you don't open someone else's car door. I was in shock. Even then I tried to let it slide. I knew that her and my fiancé had a rather volatile relationship but this still bothered the crap out of me!
It's all been downhill since then and there are too many stories to share in one post. My main point for right now is that I am simply amazed by these two women from this letter. They are epitome of grace and compassion. Bravo to the two of you, and may you set an example for all birth and stepmothers alike to strive for!
Staying Positive
Sometimes it's easy to get so focused on the negatives that it's easy to overlook some really amazing positives in life. Being a Negative Nancy myself I know how hard it is to find the light in the dark, but sometimes there's so much darkness that it doesn't feel like there's any light. With so much going on recently with stressful jobs, a recent move, trying to get ready for the holidays and the ongoing toxicity that my stepdaughter's birth mother creates in our lives, there has been a lot of negatives that have created a sense of drowning at times. But here lately I've realized that there are two major things that I need to be extremely thankful for.
With starting this blog I've been reading the blogs of other stepmothers and I have found comfort in some of their insights and experiences, both the bad and the good. I feel awful saying that I find comfort in the bad experiences of others, but it made me realize I've been overlooking these two huge positives in my life. The fact that my fiancé has custody and that his daughter and I have such a close relationship, that she is so loving and has accepted me the way she has. I am so horribly lucky for these two things and I feel like a jerk for not realizing it before.
So many other stepmom's don't have the luxury I have, with having B home with us as much as we do. Yes it sucks when she's away, especially since she just doesn't want to go with her mother anymore. It hurts that I can't change her circumstances, but how easily I forget that I have as much time with her as I do. If the tables were turned and I only saw her every other weekend, with an additional two hour visit on Thursdays during the school year, I imagine things would be very different for us. With less time together I feel like she would have a harder time accepting me into her life, and maybe we wouldn't have such a great relationship. But instead I am nearly a full time mother to her and I get to see her nearly every day.
This has also made it easier for me to learn and grow with her, to figure out how to be the best mother I can be to her. Even though I helped to raise my nieces when they were young and helped my mom with daycare kids when I was growing up and she was still doing daycare out of the house, I've yet to have any children of my own so I'll admit I don't have a lot of experience and I don't always know what I'm doing. It was difficult at first when her father and I first started living together and I took on a more active role in her life. There were days where I would get so frustrated and depressed I would text him and tell him I didn't have what it took to be a mother or that I was a horrible mother. His faith in me was unwavering and he became my personal cheerleader, reassuring me at every step that I was doing fine and to not get so frustrated with myself. Like anything it just took some time and things have gotten a lot easier since then.
I'm also incredibly lucky that B is who she is. She is an incredibly empathetic young girl and is extremely loving. She never seemed to even think twice about how she felt about me becoming involved with her father and accepted me into their lives with open arms. Aside from giving me a wide berth on mornings where I'm super cranky and running late for work, she is never short of thrilled to have me around. I take this for granted and I'm kicking myself now for not realizing how easily it would be for her to reject me. With how big of a heart this little girl has it just never crossed my mind. We just clicked and it's like the three of us just fell together as a family right away. It's been incredible and I am so thankful for the love that I have found in my fiancé and B.
With starting this blog I've been reading the blogs of other stepmothers and I have found comfort in some of their insights and experiences, both the bad and the good. I feel awful saying that I find comfort in the bad experiences of others, but it made me realize I've been overlooking these two huge positives in my life. The fact that my fiancé has custody and that his daughter and I have such a close relationship, that she is so loving and has accepted me the way she has. I am so horribly lucky for these two things and I feel like a jerk for not realizing it before.
So many other stepmom's don't have the luxury I have, with having B home with us as much as we do. Yes it sucks when she's away, especially since she just doesn't want to go with her mother anymore. It hurts that I can't change her circumstances, but how easily I forget that I have as much time with her as I do. If the tables were turned and I only saw her every other weekend, with an additional two hour visit on Thursdays during the school year, I imagine things would be very different for us. With less time together I feel like she would have a harder time accepting me into her life, and maybe we wouldn't have such a great relationship. But instead I am nearly a full time mother to her and I get to see her nearly every day.
This has also made it easier for me to learn and grow with her, to figure out how to be the best mother I can be to her. Even though I helped to raise my nieces when they were young and helped my mom with daycare kids when I was growing up and she was still doing daycare out of the house, I've yet to have any children of my own so I'll admit I don't have a lot of experience and I don't always know what I'm doing. It was difficult at first when her father and I first started living together and I took on a more active role in her life. There were days where I would get so frustrated and depressed I would text him and tell him I didn't have what it took to be a mother or that I was a horrible mother. His faith in me was unwavering and he became my personal cheerleader, reassuring me at every step that I was doing fine and to not get so frustrated with myself. Like anything it just took some time and things have gotten a lot easier since then.
I'm also incredibly lucky that B is who she is. She is an incredibly empathetic young girl and is extremely loving. She never seemed to even think twice about how she felt about me becoming involved with her father and accepted me into their lives with open arms. Aside from giving me a wide berth on mornings where I'm super cranky and running late for work, she is never short of thrilled to have me around. I take this for granted and I'm kicking myself now for not realizing how easily it would be for her to reject me. With how big of a heart this little girl has it just never crossed my mind. We just clicked and it's like the three of us just fell together as a family right away. It's been incredible and I am so thankful for the love that I have found in my fiancé and B.
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